 Chains that bind us
(I know I use “we” probably too much in my writings; I do so in the last third of my essay…. the reason I do that is because to constantly say “I” really gives me a headache. I am not talking about anyone else just my own struggles to forgive, as well as dealing and learning from my past. )
I believe that we carry with us all those with whom we have had some contact in life. I think this is true because we do have an affect on those we meet, even if it is for a few moments and in some cases for only and instant. A kind word, or a harsh one, a smile or a frown does influence those with whom we come in contact. Just as those we meet influence us in some way. Some influences are apparent; others can be hidden deep in our unconscious. I have memories of people that I knew for only minutes or hours and I still think about what transpired during that time. Simple events, yet I was touched both for good and ill.
I remember acts of cruelty that I committed on others and these acts wounded both them and my own soul as well. Then those times in which I was able to be kind and these memories also stay and yes I believe that healing goes both ways. I believe I carry all of it with me and one day I will have to see all that I have done, both for good and for ill. I still remember the look of pain in the eyes of those I hurt and their image will come up suddenly for me to contemplate. It is not guilt, no, just the reality of the importance of all those I meet and how I treat them. An act cannot be undone, especially if it was committed on someone who will never be seen again, at least in this life. Being harsh to someone behind the counter, or a waiter or waitress can be easily forgotten but the memory remains and at times will surface. I think these are lessons. Also memories of times past when others were either kind or cruel to me will surface. It can’t be helped, we simply carry with us all of our experiences.
A woman was speaking to me one day and the subject of her father came up. She informed me of the abuse she had to go through and how much she wishes she could let go of the hatred and deep rage that she had towards him. As we talked I had the image of her being surrounded by strong chains, which were in fact connected to her father and how both of them were imprisoned by the relationship. Her father came from an abusive background as well, so it was something that was passed on and the daughter knew that if she married, she might also become abusive.
As we talked she mentioned that she has tried to pray for her father but could not. As she was speaking the thought about the “Our Father’ came to mind. So I asked her if she prayed the ‘Our Father’ and she said yes, she prayed it everyday. I asked her if she realized that when she said the ‘Our Father’, that it was not a prayer for herself but that all of mankind was incorporated into this prayer, especially for those in her life that hurt her? She looked stunned and asked; “What do you mean?” So I said. “When you pray this prayer, you are in fact praying for your father. Healing and forgiveness may become more conscious if when saying the ‘Our Father’, you think of your father and all of those in your family that hurt you. Healing I continued, starts at a deep level and will slowly become more conscious”. She started crying, sobbing actually and thanked me for bringing this point to mind for her. As she was speaking I had another image of some of the chains falling away and the negative connection with her father lessening. We still talk from time to time and she still struggles, but the pain is less and she says that she can now think of about her father with compassion and in doing that she finds her relationship with others slowly improving. It does take time, but now she has some hope.
We harm ourselves when we do things that wound others and the wounds stay with them (even if forgotten) having a negative affect on their lives, as well I believe on our own lives as well. While forgiveness is difficult and may even seem impossible, the simple desire of being free from these chains is the beginning of healing. That is why prayer is so important. The ‘Our Father’ being a case in point For within that prayer is a call for self reflection and a deepening self-knowledge of our own need to forgive as well as for our need of forgiveness.
A small point, though difficult, we also need to forgive ourselves. We are often unconscious of what we are doing. Knowing this can lead to empathy for those who have harmed us in the past, for often these acts are not intentional, even when the after-effects are devastating. It is only when we see others as just another “self” that we can perhaps learn to be careful in what we say and what we do to others. In the ‘life review’ that many have in their NDE’s, they actually become all those with whom they have interacted and experience what they went through when relating to them. I don’t understand this yet, but it seems that we are connected and on a level that we can’t readily access, we are really one.
“Whatever you do to the least, you do to me”.
(Matt 25:45) 
Good friends I was with a good friend today, we had lunch and talked. She is a transparent soul, one who truly loves others and also is very fond of the truth. Her heart is open, she carries a lot, burdens and fears and pain, because she loves and delights in the truth. Her husband is a man of science and like some men of that trade has, at least for me, a very open and childlike attitude towards reality and what it has to show us. Both are people of deep faith and I have grown to love them very much. Good friends, nothing more important than that.
We make each other laugh, which is good, for without laughter life would be grim, like a world without music, or birds, or the color yellow. Her smile, like that that of her husband, is a delight and I feel shows the depths of the souls that they both possess.
Goodness is often overlooked because it is quiet and does not draw attention unto itself. Only the loud and gaudy and yes the bad are colorful enough to get the attention of many. We need to look for the good, the intense loveliness of the souls of those around us. To see deeper than the negative aspects of the personality that is often caused by pain or fear. The soul cringes in the presence of pain, hatred and contempt but expands when love is shown and warmth freely given.
Both of my friends would say that it is the grace and mercy of God that has allowed them to grow in their love and compassion for others. The price they pay, that perhaps most of us pay for loving, is well worth it, painful as that can be at times. We are made to love, to take care of others, and to bear grief when the time comes. Life is a journey, often difficult, but faith, that is not without doubt, leads us as we choose to live in an ever deeper trust in spite of misgivings from time to time. 
What is life about?
I know so little that is true,
the older I get the less I seem to understand,
suffering is one such event in our lives
that can be a torment for many.
Is life about something,
or just a lot of fuss over nothing important at all.
Are we here for a purpose,
or just an accident more or less,
here one moment and then gone into oblivion
for eternity the next.
If there is something about life
then I believe it is sacred
and everything must be done to help others,
relieve their suffering
and allow them to die with dignity,
according to the dictates of their religious
or philosophical beliefs.
Others can't choose,
we all have the freedom to do what we want,
so to think about what we actually want and believe
is perhaps one of the most important projects in our lives.
We are human,
intelligent, self aware,
capable of complex thinking,
we can reason.
We don't feed, we dine,
we make love and don't just mate,
we don't just growl but talk and write poetry and music,
we seek that which eludes many of us,
so we search,
we are not in a comfortable niche,
we seek to expand and learn,
to grow,
and many of us
believe we have souls
made in God's loving image.
No one has the right to decide when another one dies,
but all have the right to compassionate care
and loving attention. 
Jerome
(What is good for the goose, is not good for the gander) When taking care of the elderly it is quickly learned that each case is unique and what works for one patient, is useless for another. I suppose this can seem obvious but it is something that has to be learned over and over again. Some people are more assertive in how they deal with their life, others much more passive. There is also passive-aggression which is the hardest to deal with. Then many are a mixture of all the above, which can make taking care of them very interesting and at times frustrating.
Jerome is one of those people who have two speeds: slow and stop. He is also highly introverted and can at times be impatient and demanding, though it does not happen very often. He is one of those people who is just happy to be still all day and either read or watch some DVD’s. He is at this time bedridden. We have had therapist come in to help him get stronger, but he will not do anything on his own. He seems happy being the way he is and so we do the best we can. We watch his diet; he has diabetes, which can get complicated at times. He has lost about 40 pounds in the last year and this has an affect on the level of his blood sugar. We are having some trouble keeping it from going too low. We cut his meds by three fourths of what it was, but it can still reduce his sugar level too low, which worries me. Without the small dose his levels get too high, so we juggle it, watch closely and hope for the best. So far it is working out fine. We have some glucagon, just in case.
Apart from feeding, cleaning etc, he needs little attention. His moods are usually good, though when he gets impatient he can be a problem. I have talked with him about this and it helps a little. His world is small, just his bed, his books and DVD player, and he likes things to be the same for the most part. He tends to hoard and I work with that with him. For instance, on some days, I use disposable plates for his dinner. He likes to keep them; “I may have use for them someday” he tells me. So I let him know that he can save them, but when the pile got a little high, say over 20 saved plates, I may get rid of a few of them. He agreed to that.
About a year ago I had to clean out his room. There were piles of boxes, each filled with ‘something’ that he thought he may need some day. So when it became apparent that he was bedridden, I consulted with him and we discussed his ‘things’. He finally agreed to let me clean out his room. I know it was hard for him to accept, but he understood that he will not need 95 percent of the ‘things’ he has saved over the years. There were lots of containers filled with little ‘this and that’s’, some I saved others I threw away. His tools, which I saved and gave them to the department here who could use them and they were happy to get them…. it seems you can never have too many tools. It took me about two days to clean out the room. I saved his books and a few other things, so now his room is neat, sort of.
Because he sits in one position and does like to move, we are paying close attention to his skin health. We are doing our best to forestall bedsores. He is having some trouble, but we keep him clean and dry and we let him know when he needs lie flat in bed on his side. As long as he does this we will be all right. I had to scare him about getting bed sores. I showed him a picture and that convinced him to do what we ask.
So with Jerome, unlike others here, it will do no good to push him, but to encourage in ways that we can. I find it amazing that he is happy just to stay in bed and read and watch DVD’s. Not sure I would be able to do that without getting very frustrated. So what would be good and helpful for some, for Jerome would only be harmful and cause him undo stress.
Like the others, I have grown very fond of him and I guess we get along very well. Even when I have to be strong with him, again which is very seldom, it does not affect our overall relationship. 
All I can do are little things I worked a very long shift on Sunday; William was in a good mood, though quiet. I got him up without too much trouble. At times it can be difficult and it is then that I wish I had a couple of extra sets of arms. It gets done in any case. I got him into the sitting room and put up at the table. He loves coffee, black and we put “thick it” to try to offset any aspiration, which can lead to serious complication like pneumonia. I made him some waffles and sausage, which he likes and ate most of it.
So I sat next to him and made some wrist rosaries out of black cord. I am trying to make a hundred of them for the Eucharist congress in June. It is restful making them, and sitting with William made it even more so. There was music and he seemed to look up and stop what he was doing to listen to some of the words. He eats slowly, sort of like a mixture of show and tell and play time, all rolled into one. I have to watch his drink; there are times when he will just tip it over and his food (?), well he can do all kinds of interesting things with that. I put a bib on him and then put a cover over his lap. There are days when about a third of his meal ends up there.
Luke was also in a good mood. He ate well and then looked at some newspapers and after a short time, he usually falls asleep in his chair. I don’t say anything until he starts to lean way over to his left. So I wake him and he goes off to have a long nap. He will soon be 101 and is of course slowing down. At this time of his life, he tends to focus on certain things and then gets anxious. He was worried about a dental appointment. He did not know the date, and almost got frantic, until I called Rose our nurse and she let me know the date; not for a week yet. He is a sweet man, loves to talk and make people laugh, which he is good at.
I made about 15 wrist rosaries and felt good about that. Having to make a hundred sounds like a lot, but if I do just six a day that is 42 a week. I am trying to do more than that, but at least six. Other people like them and I am happy to give them away….I feel connected to those who wear my prayer ropes around their wrist. I guess I have been using them for about 20 years and giving them to others, selling a few well for about that long. I prefer to give them away. Time seems to really speed up when I am working in our infirmary on a quiet day. I love that, it makes me wonder about time and just exactly what it is….fat chance I will ever find out. It is amazing how an hour can seem like a minuet. At the end of a long day, it seems like a dream of sorts, though of course real. All I can do is do little things for those I care for. Make coffee, bath, and feed and try to talk, even if the communication is not based on words exactly, but just being present. I love the men I take care of and am still not sure how I feel when they die. I get an empty feeling and then feel a bit scattered inside. It could be because the last few days of their lives can be a tad exhausting. The connection is so strong that nothing else seems to matter. As I walk down the hallways I pass rooms that have had those that I have taken care of, loved, argued with and sat with when dying…..the place can feel haunted, but not in a bad way, it’s just what is.
Do it, I dare you Before you die
face one fear that you never have,
just do it,
you may be surprised. Speak your mind out loud,
be kind but truthful,
it just may extend your life.
If someone takes advantage of you,
taking you for granted,
well
learn to say no, gently but firmly.
It is your fault after all if people walk all over you.
We create ourselves for others by what we say,
and also by what we don't;
when honest,
the creation of self for another
can be a revelation. 
To believe in new beginnings What we seek most
is often the hardest to accept,
the heart withdraws in fear
when the warmth gets too great,
when the gates are open
and inner fears exposed,
past hurts and betrayals remembered.
so much trust is needed
to believe in new beginnings.
God's love,
the hardest of all for some,
to believe in such a reality
is beyond belief,
do we dare to believe
and allow that love in? To believe in new beginnings.  | My child | May 12, '12 6:28 PM
for everyone |
My child My son,
my child,
all of my children,
if you only knew,
understood,
my infinite love
your would die of joy.
I hide myself for that reason,
so that you can live out your lives.
All that happens,
be it pain or pleasure,
sadness or joy,
is important,
Know this
I suffer and rejoice with you,
every human being I see as the only one,
experiencing their suffering,
deep pain,
and agony of their deaths,
yes because I love
I feel it all without release,
for I am one with you all.
In the end
They will feel my eternal embrace. 
Into the light If we believe we have no choices in our lives,
then that conclusion will become true,
a path set by deep conviction of the way things are;
self fulfilling prophecy.
No easy way out for us I fear;
I so wish it were different,
but to go against the tide,
slow going as it is,
is a path that has hope in the process
and healing and love it’s fruit.
We become what we never thought possible,
loving, hopeful,
and a joy and consolation to others,
all because we bring choices
deeply buried and destructive; out of darkness into the light.
| Memory | May 11, '12 6:13 PM
for everyone |
Memory
Days jumble together,
weeks slide by,
months are like a mist
soon gone,
and the years(?),
well they seem the fastest of all.
Everything is a memory in the end.
Choices deeply hidden
We can only give what we have. Choices are made often at such a deep level within the soul, that they may not be understood, or known, to be choices at all. We are told things about ourselves when young that influences our options…. even if they are often hidden from our conscious minds. I think most of us have cycles in our lives that can bring great pain and suffering. Unless it can be understood that we all play a part in our sufferings, that we are not just victims…. it is only then that the slow process of healing can begin. It is not easy, but easier than being passive and just floating along the current that we find ourselves in. Taking responsibility for ones life is not about piling up guilt; it is about having the understanding that the path is open, grace available and perhaps life is about just that, facing problems and moving forward. This takes self-love and respect and yes faith, for the journey for most of us (if not all), is difficult, lonely and hidden from the sight of other. When this is understood, we can then learn to love and have empathy and compassion for those we live with and meet along the way. When we grow in love of self, we then can love others from this well of an ever expanding ability to love. We seek to love and support others, allowing aspects of self concern that keeps us isolated, to dissipate and we begin to find that we are loved in return. Love freely given and received; for the reward of love is to simply grow in the ability to love and receive love more….self knowledge frees us from the pain of judging others, which is self wounding and keeps us from union with those around us.
It sounds so easy
It sound easy when stated,
to forgive and love,
have compassion and empathy...
however in reality,
the soul must often sweat blood
and call on God from the depths of inner choas. 
A life long journey Grace is like the sun dissipating the dark mist,
that gently but not without struggle and pain,
frees the soul in its own time from inner chains
and imprisonment.
To hate that which keeps us imprisoned is a waste,
for we only fight ourselves,
when what is needed is compassion and love.
For pain and yes our sins,
can only be released
when the soul understands in part
the depth and beauty of infinite love.
When the soul is constricted focused on itself,
then grace is often not understood for what it is,
something present at all times,
waiting for a free response from a soul seeking release.
The seed of freedom can only grow from that free,
deliberate, inner yes,
to trust and hope in spite of the inner darkness,
to have the courage
not to believe in what is before our inner eye,
but in the love offered that is greater than our hearts.
We can only grow in freedom,
in trust and love,
by making a conscious choice
to follow graces lead,
and say our “yes” at ever deeper levels;
a life long journey
into the heart of God. 
What is solid and secure
My line of work will not let me forget,
that the center that we stand on,
that feels so real,
is made of sand that allows all to sink into,
each moment becomes a memory,
racing towards a seeming infinite past,
our moments gone before we actually can experience them,
micro seconds at the speed of light
making all seem like the past.
Dream like our years fly by,
though real they are,
our life filled with meaning
making each tiny free choice important,
as we move towards the time
when we will disappear beneath the sands,
born into a reality more real
and eternal.
What is solid,
secure,
trustworthy against all odds,
is the the "Yes"
that God revealed
in Jesus Christ,
has for all,
drawing us all into the deepest mystery of all,
that our hearts deepest longings
point us to. 
The funeral Malachy lived for 99 years and ten months. He had few illnesses, and he only needed full time care for the last week of his life. He had little suffering, just some terminal agitation that we had meds for. Before he died he told one of the monks how beautiful the grace of God is and how happy he was. He also raised up his arms in joy. This was unusual, for he was a man of few words and slow to respond when asked a question. He was well loved and helped many people during his long life. Steve a good friend of his gave a short eulogy for him. He said one thing that touched me deeply, this is a paraphrase. "Malachy raised my heart to places I never thought possible". I think many would say that about Malachy. His was a life well lived and a man of deep and humble faith. He will be missed by many.
What do you say about a life?
There before me the remains rest,
an empty shell once filled with life and warmth,
now at peace seeming to sleep,
the years remembered now perhaps a blur,
except for smiles and laughs so easily loved and cherished,
kindnesses given and received,
the wisdom shared in true humility
and simple patience that was Malchy's gift
given to all who were lucky enough to know and love him.
Luck, skill and surety
From time to time I like to play Spider Solitaire. It involves both skill and luck. I can find myself stuck and it seems obvious that I will lose. Then I keep looking and eventually find a move, and suddenly things begin to fall into place and I win. I have played games in which it seems like I will win, every card I need seems to pop up when needed, but even if I am very careful, there is one card that I need that is not available and I lose. Sometimes skill is simply not enough, luck is needed.
I don’t like casinos, but on a few occasions I have gone to a couple. I find them too loud and their bright colors disturbing. I take a certain amount of money in and play it out. Let’s say 40 dollars. On one visit, my 40 dollars went up to 300 dollars. I guess I was on a roll. Then that streak ended and I left with 150 dollars. If I played all of it, then I would have left with nothing, unless I got another streak; which I doubt. On most of my visits, I go through the allotted money pretty fast and I am out of there in about an hour. I play the slots, a game of pure chance, no skill needed as far as I can discern. I remember one time I went by the dollar slot, and just dropped in my coin and won 50 dollars; I played my last dollar and came out ahead….well I would have if I left it at that. I lost that in about 15 minuets. A little bit of luck does not go far in a casino. The last time I was in a casino was about 10 years ago, not sure I will ever go back to one again.
In real life, we may ‘luck out’ in finding a good friend, or someone we would like to spend the rest of our lives with. To have a good friendship or marriage last, is not based on luck but on hard work. Relationships just don’t grow on their own; they can stagnate very easily and eventually suffer a slow death. The first glow fades pretty quickly and I would say the majority of relationships die out from not being given the chance to deepen. Skill of any sort; be it on the job, or with others, takes conscious thought…. to run on automatic can lead to trouble. Listening, learning from mistakes and being able to make restitution are all needed if real growth is to be accomplished.
The same goes for the spiritual life. God’s grace has nothing to do with luck, since it is open to everyone. It is how we consciously choose to respond that is important. At the beginning of the spiritual journey we can seem to be filled with peace and delight, but that does not last. The desert experience takes a certain skill and also the need to confide in others. To glide along, is to just live on the surface of life and our relationship with the Infinite can be truncated and even die. Sort of like any worthwhile relationship, a death to a way of life that is self centered and perhaps lonely needs to be worked through. This often involves facing certain fears and pain from the past that can keep us living a life in the shadows.
Any kind of relationship; be it with the Eternal, or with other people, is impossible if absolute surety is demanded, for that is impossible in this realm that we live in. Faith and trust are both needed…. without that we can find ourselves in a very small world filled with tight corners.
Why do we hope? I was sitting today thinking about the past,
not my past,
no,
the far past,
thousands of years ago,
so many lives,
lived fully,
over in a flash and mostly forgotten;
it makes me wonder,
what is left for us after we ourselves go? We to will be looked upon as ancients,
a culture now lost in the sands of antiquity,
their anthropologist poking among our ruins,
our names forgotten,
all of our fears and anxious concerns gone.
I wonder at times why we bother,
perhaps it is because we believe there is more,
or hope there is,
is that not what faith is about,
making a choice to trust and move forward,
believing all this,
our process of living and dying,
actually has meaning?
Even if we know we could be wrong?
Why do we hope?
Maybe we do because we are responding
to an invitation to simply trust. 
Words can be used in interesting ways. For instances, it is common to call those who don't agree with us either stubborn or narrow minded, and those who agree with a certain point that is agreed upon, open minded and intelligent. Anyone who belongs to another group, be it in politics or religion or some other philosophical school, is often viewed from the observation of the worst in the group disagreeing with us. Conversely, we tend to judge our own tribe by what is best, often downplaying or overlooking what is unsavory, for it reflects back on the whole group. I do it all the time, seems very difficult to overcome, or perhaps it is just one of those life long endeavors that most of us seem to be involved in. We can make others the trash receptacle of our own shadows, thereby freeing ourselves of the bother of inner reflection and growth.
To start anew At times people tell me that if only they were younger they would do things differently. Well ten years from now, they may be saying the same thing; bemoaning bad choices, wishing that they were a decade younger. We can only start where we are, we can’t go back to the past and redo whatever it was we did, nor can we go into the future, we only have now. No matter what our age we can learn from the past, go forward in trust, even if progress can’t be seen at once. Seeds take time to germinate and grow, so it is with humans. We change first inwardly in our depths and slowly it brings change into our lives that can be seen by others. We can’t go back, no, but we can keep the ideals and hope of youth. Many do that and they are easy to spot. Though to arrive at such a state is not easy, it takes conscious choices, many small ones in fact, to build the edifice of a beautiful soul. We can start anew at any age, even on our death bed we can make that choice, to die to a way of life that is not present to the now and all that it offers us.
Grace
The air we breathe is a grace,
all of life is an opportunity to choose, to embrace,
to hold sacred whatever is before us,
in darkness and in times of light,
in pain and pleasure,
in doubt and when we have a deep faith,
to understand that all of this life experience
is to bring us to a deep and abiding trust
in our life’s process. All is grace,
learning to see differently
is one aspect of that reality,
for each moment
we can begin anew,
over and over again,
a most difficult path at first,
and then it becomes a habit; this always beginning anew. 
The cell Our senses are great gift given to us. With them we continue to learn about our world and the wondrous universe that we live in. Yet our senses are also a prison cell of sorts, though we have yet to reach those walls that confine us. I suppose there will always be mystery that draws us forward on our search for answers, which will never be completely answered. Many want closure to this open-endedness of reality, so we can cling to world views that are safe but constricting. We are more than we imagine, not less, though many would have us not trust our own personal experiences and wish to reduce us to just being machines or meat. We can suffocate if trapped by our limited world views, without hoping for something broader and deeper than we now know. We are explorers of both the inner and outer worlds and both perhaps are endless, or possibly can be experienced as such. The Void is not nothingness, but the potential for all things to be accomplished. The void I believe has revealed itself as love and compassion. Many prefer the safe deity of deism, far removed, not demanding a response that is based on non-knowing, on faith and trust. Both atheism and theism are choices, eventually we will all have to step forward and choose the path we will walk. Within both paths, I believe the infinite is at work, since that is what love does, often works in secret to draw each of us to the further experience of infinite love and truth. Those who have hearts that are expanding I believe or on that road no matter their faith or lack of it. | |
