Mark's Site

Tendency

 

Certain tendencies that I have are like seeds that I can allow to grow or not.  If I don’t want them to take deep root, then I need to gently push in the other direction.  Self centeredness is necessary for survival, but if taken too far, it becomes isolating and self destructive.  Those who wish to save their lives at all cost will not only lose it, but will be left with nothing.  Without self discipline directed inward, then everything we do for the outer world can be just compulsive acting out.  A way to escape from self knowledge and the lessening of the childish ego’s desire to present itself in a certain way to the world at large….a mask mistaken for reality.

When alone, we are all children

(Carl Jung)

How we play is the question.

Don't look at your feet

Many years ago, when I was in the Navy I was trying to teach a young lady I was dating to dance.  As I taught her I noticed that she was looking at her feet.  So I said:  "you can't dance while looking at your feet, just do it!"....well she did after a few lessons.  The spritural life is like that.  While it is true that we need to grow in self awareness, we should not let what we learn about ourselves take our focus away from the love that draws us.  We are naked before God, so there is nothing to hide, all we need to is to dance without looking at our feet.

Sinking is easy

Jesus’ injunction to love ones-self, takes on deeper meaning when I am trying to follow the leadings of grace.  It is a call to the death of a way of looking at my-self as well as the world….perhaps a death harder that I as yet understand…..for I still struggle with the temptation to give in to cynicism and even despair….sinking is so easy even if the fruit is personal disintegration.

Paradox in our lives

Sometimes, the only time peace can be experienced, is when we come to the conclusion that in this life peace is for the most part impossible, and we accept that.  We can't seem to get awayfrom paradox in  our lives and how they play out, at least in our souls.

The corner

Fear causes withdrawal from new experiences. 
Anxiety over what may happen is a good jailer
and anger, the kind that 'cuts off the nose to spite the face',
is the cement that can build a very small corner.

What we share

One way to help alleviate the pain caused by others is to think about them without rancor; to see them in the light of what is shared.  We all have a past that has some pain and sorrow connected to it.  This does have an affect on how we relate and respond to others, but also how others will respond to us.  To understand that our enemies suffer the same way we do, may not improve the relationship, but it can lead to some empathy, which will lessen the power that we allow our reactions to have over us. 

People should not be punished because we don’t like them, or because they belong to some group or religion.  To love our neighbor as ourselves takes the ability to see deeply into our souls and not flinch at what we see.  Self knowledge cancels the need to project our pain, darkness and whatever else we dislike about ourselves onto others.  When it happens to us, hopefully we can empathize with those who hate or dislike us.  This is not easy, but the more this is accomplished the freer we become and the less we cause suffering to others and also we can become free from the pain that others can cause us. 

Where does it go?

He was 88 and I was taking care of him,
he was dying,
also he was saying,
"Where did the time go".

I thought in my young mind,
you have lived so long,
what do you mean?

Now I know,
for though I have lived many decades,
yet all I have is now,
the past seems so close
almost now,
no wonder some think life is but a dream,
perhaps it is dream like at times,
yet very real.

Bringing to the center

Love’s roots are deep,
Entwined deeply in the soil of life;
Absorbing pain,
Healing wounds,

Drawing together that which was lost,
Embracing the unlovable,

Bringing to the center those lost on the fringe,
Drawing them back into community,

To the center, giving them life, and acceptance.

When it happens

Trust comes into play when our naive ideas about God are faced,
and life is understood as a journey filled with meaning,
though it is often a hard and lonely road for us all.

Abba was the word Jesus used for God,
He trusted in his Abba even when the chalice was not taken away,
he drank it to the full;
easy no,
trusting yes.

I think most people come to a place in their lives when things are taken away from them.  Not so much by other people, but simply by the aging process.  Driving is more difficult, energy levels drop, perhaps it is noting that the mind works differently and on some occasions not very well.  It is really impossible to cling, because it is gone (whatever it is) before it is noticed.  Attitude towards this development is important and I would suppose ones view of life also helps how old age is either embraced or resented.  I am of course writing about myself, it is beginning for me, old age, though I have been at this point for perhaps three or four years.  Health problems are increasing and it is a wonder how easy it is to get sick!  To fight, or to let go, or not the only two options.  Perhaps to accept and to do what can be done gently is the best way, or perhaps it is the best way for me.  Faith is not about 'pie in the sky', no, it is about understanding that there is one life and what we do here is in some way a preparation for what is to come.  So the pains and frustrations of aging can be a spur to patience, leading to making conscious choices about letting go of ways of doing and being that did not work in the past, and will certainly not work now.

Little bits of disipline

I do know people who seem to be very consistent in how they live out their lives. I don’t mean in a directional sense, but in how they seem to schedule everyday along the same position and flourish. They are disciplined, focused and walk in fast quick steps throughout the day. They have set times for study, prayer, work and to put it mildly, do not waste time. Well the above is not me at all though I have little bits of it I guess, for I do get through the day and for the most part get things done. To tell you the truth, I would prefer to just sit and read all day long. So many books, so little time, it is aggravating.

Sadness

Life can at times seem to be painted in only grays with subtle variations in tone to cut the monotony.  I am not talking about depression here; it is just the sadness that seems to penetrate everything around me.  Yes I know that I am the one doing the painting here, using my own inner brush (perceptions) to put the different hues on the people and events that I come in contact with.  Lately that sadness has been more pronounced for me than in the past.  This is actually a new development in my life…..something that I in fact welcome, for I have known for years that my anger, or inner rage, was something that was protecting me from either sadness or sorrow, or perhaps both.  Maybe sadness is just another protective barrier, though a more gentle one.  Even as I say this, I know that life is not just about sadness, no more that it is about anger.  There are also bright brush strokes that paint life, there is joy and love and yes hope and I still see them, these bright colors around me. Yet the sadness seems to be always there now, perhaps like anger it will be just a companion that accompanies me on this part of my journey and one day it will allow what is underneath to come to consciousness. 

I think my last retreat has opened up some inner doors and I want to keep them ajar, for to close them would really take more energy than I most likely have at this time; which would lead to depression.  Sadness can lead one to places that are not healthy, spaces that are filled with self pity and loathing; so I am working on not allowing that to happen.  I am coming to the realization that one reason that God has been so important in my life, is early on as a very young child, I somehow (grace?) came to the understanding that I would drown in my own inner depths if I did not have a relationship with something greater than my own puny self.  Leviathan dwells in the depths of my soul, which are my own fears, rages, sadness and only God knows what else.  Knowing that I enter into these inner worlds accompanied has very slowly over the years helped me to mine the gold that is also buried among the darker aspects of myself;  pieces that are in fact self destructive but spared from living them out.  I know that I am not alone nor unique in this.  Each person that I meet, or see, is a universe unto themselves, filled with inner experiences that could bring me to my knees if I even for a minute experienced them.  Knowing this somehow makes it easier to accept others and not feel the need to judge, well at least much of the time.

It is obvious that no amount of prayer will spare anyone the necessity of walking their own route to Calvary. Proceeded by the Gethsemane experience of being abandoned by everyone, even by God….for personal suffering tends to throw us back on ourselves.  If the problem is chronic, then the feeling of being misunderstood is even greater, along with the sense of isolation.  Perhaps the greatest source of suffering for mankind is the lack of empathy that is often not manifested (though of course this is not always the case), in the face of the suffering of others.  Also this may be a necessity, for perhaps only God, as revealed in Christ Jesus, can bear the sufferings of all sentient beings without being overwhelmed.  In any case, we each in our own way must come to terms with the ocean of suffering that surrounds us.  It is so much a part of life that it can be ignored until it is our turn to be pounded by the waves.  Suffering both opens up the heart and makes it more compassionate, or closes it in on itself as an act of self preservation.  To keep the heart open could be the whole point of our existence.  Not as simple as it sounds thought, as most people I am sure can attest to. 

Yesterday while sitting in a doctor’s office I saw an older woman in a wheel chair accompanied by a CNA who was taking care of her needs.  She had dementia and was talking loudly like a child, her voice high and shrill, speaking about something that seemed to have happened many years ago.  No one paid her any mind; her attendant did not respond too much since it was most likely something that went on all the time.  There she was, alone, ignored, and she just chatting away, perhaps not knowing that for some she was a simple annoyance.  Yet for her, this elderly woman, her world was real. She was alone, just talking about something that was in fact for her, very important.  In the inner world of each of us, there is no past, present, or future, it is all now. When in a demented state this reality becomes something all too real; where the past becomes the present and the ‘future’ the ‘now’ forgotten    I was reading a book to pass the time, but in my own heart I felt sad (and yes annoyed at the same time) and did what I could and that was pray for her and somehow be with her in her aloneness.  I know for some this sounds foolish, but for me, God, the eternal is the most real thing there is.  The ‘Now’ of God is eternal, ours are fleeting.  So yes it was sad. Yet this elderly woman is not just ‘meat’ but a being made in the image of God, so that makes the sadness perhaps manageable.  I don’t think faith is an escape from life, but allows those who have it to embrace the pain that comes without needing to run away; which I feel leads to self destructive actions and reactions as well.  Secular Humanism can do it for some, giving them the tools to face the absurdity of life and to keep going without giving in to despair. 

As life progresses, at least for me, it becomes more dreamlike.  The far past and the present can at times seem very close; the water that is said to run under the bridge seems to disappear and there is only ‘now’.  This is at times a comfort, at others not.  Life is not what I thought when young and perhaps if I live to be 80 or 90, my understanding will continue to change…..boy that makes me wonder….what are we becoming?  What are we called to?  I think love has something to do with it, for that is what is longed for  and manifested all around us in our art, literature and yes music.  So the term "God is love", is not just a cliché, but telling us something about the actual nature of reality.  Imagine that. 

One of those days

There are days when I can’t seem to get started.  That is ok.  After 63 years I am getting used to the ever turning wheel that I am connected to.  I just don’t have to be tied to it. I can step back and see that the wheel simply does what it is supposed to do.  , No need to worry, it just keeps turning…first this, now that….such is our pilgrimage.  The center simply is, it stays, all else is subject to chaos and rapid change and yes dissolution.

Perception is everything.  To see things as ever changing can be liberating, though it takes discipline to be every mindful of the temporality of all our states of being. Be it the outer circumstances of our public lives, or the deep interiority that we each have.  To forget this mindfulness, this reality… takes no discipline at all, all we need do is to simply float and react. 

On morning at breakfast a disciple ask his master:

Lord, Lord

It goes deeper than just saying ‘Lord, Lord’. The heart is seen only by God, for the rest of us it is a closed book that cannot be opened.  For Christians, Jesus is the incarnation of God, yet we can often make him into a tribal deity, tamed, placed on a pedestal, and used to punish those we hate, dislike, or find embarrassing to have around.  Who can understand the nature of infinite love?  My mind closes down and becomes silent when I try to delve into this mystery of human freedom and God’s pursuit of his children.

The day
(talk on grief)

People remember when it happens. That day, saved from the oblivion that most of our days are destined for.  It was the day that we thought we were dreaming, when in fact it was when we woke up.  When what was once inner warmth, a living presence- loved and perhaps taken for granted….thinking it would be forever… was gone.  Perhaps that inner emptiness was first felt as numbness, dreamlike; a protective covering to keep the feeling of being abandoned at bay.   Life went on around us and perhaps it was wondered, how this can be; something left the world today, something dear and close, important and vital to me, how can the world simply go on.

From the moment I was notified of my mothers’ death, in May of 1983. All the events that took place after that for the next 24 hours are branded in my soul.  As I was being notified, I could see the texture of the world changing before my eyes.  When I put down the phone, I was a different person than the one who answered it.  I knew that my mother was going to die soon, but I doubt being really ready and prepared is all that common when that time actually arrives. 

 I was grateful that I had time to prepare, time to mend our relationship; for at times it could be rocky.  I called my mom every week and I never argued with her, always made sure that she was loved by me and would not let her know of my anxious concern over her illness.  So we laughed and joked and also talked about death and God.  She was not afraid of death and that was a comfort to me. 

Grief is just as much apart of life and joy, love, anger and rage.  I like to think of grief as one of the ‘darker’ colors, while those that bring us happiness as the ‘lighter’ ones.  When we experience the ‘lighter’ tones of life we do not question for the most part.  Why is there such beauty and joy in life?   These seem to be no need for answers.   We may nonetheless have some slight feelings of fear, the inner knowing that it can be taken away at any time, though this is often repressed and for good reason.  It is the ‘darker’ times, when the ‘blacks and reds’ are prominent, that we are thrown back on ourselves.  It is in the dark painful times, that we question and wonder and yes in the end make some deep and important choices. 

Grief, when it is finally felt in all its force, can for many drain all color out of life, making everything seem pointless and dead.  There is no right way to mourn and I find it interesting that people, who have perhaps gone through the pain of the loss of a loved one, can themselves be insensitive about how someone else mourns.  Perhaps it is too painful for some, or that the reminder of our own mortality engenders too much anxiety and fear.  No we each mourn differently and no way more correct or healthy than any others.  Of course there are cases wherein help may be needed, but that is something more rare than one would expect. 

It is when we suffer that we choose, perhaps against what we are actually feeling. Whether to choose to move deeper into faith and trust, or on the other hand, to go in another direction altogether, is something we have to do.  I am of course speaking in having trust in the process we call our lives and an ever deepening openness to God and his love. There are no easy answers and I do not believe it is healthy to seek one out.  In any case, perhaps there is not answer that would help even if it were given.  It is our faith that can give us a light, no matter how small, to navigate the darkness. 

My dad lived another 20 years after my mom died.  He remarried a wonderful woman, who I loved and jokingly called “my wicked-step mother”.  She was different than my mother and I think that was good.  The second marriage was different and they traveled a great deal together and spent a lot of time visiting the ever growing family with many new births over the years.  After my mom died, I made a pact with myself to get to know my dad more.  So I talked with him on the phone often and when I went home I would always stay with him and my step-mother.  My dad in 2000 had a stroke which partially paralyzed his left side.  I remember one day asking him if he was afraid his death or that of my step-mother.  I asked this because my step-mother was a few years older than my dad and was worried about him being alone again.  He responded kindly and said this to me:

“Son, I am not afraid to die, and your step-mother and I know it is not far off.  Now I don’t want to die, for I have many grand-children and great-grand children that I love and would hate to leave….be at peace, neither of us are afraid”.

That conversation gave me a great deal of comfort of course.  In Aug of 2003, I called my dad as usual on a Saturday morning.  We did not talk about much, but we always enjoyed the time.  As we hung up I told dad that I loved him and he responded in kind.  Three hours later, my brother Craig called and told me that Dad and a cerebral hemorrhage and was brain dead.  They kept him on a respirator for awhile, but then took him off.  When I called the ER it was then I learned that he was actually dead.  Again the world stopped and the texture became a bit darker for me. 

My dad’s body was given to science, so there was no funeral.  We had a memorial mass about two weeks after he died.  The morning of the mass, as I was getting up in my motel room, which was by the way a non smoking room, I smelled a great deal of cigarette smoke.  My dad was a big smoker.  As I sat there and smelled the smoke, I simple said “Hi dad thanks for stopping by”.  Then it was gone and I prepared for mass. 
Life is a gift, and it is love that fills our lives with the ‘lighter’ colors…. colors that heal and give life its texture.  Our families, our friends and those we simply know and love, for there are many ways to love, is what gives our life its meaning.  For those who have faith, the love of God is also central to that mix.  Then we lose them, it is the way of the world.  Well it seems we lose them.  In a world that is temporal and where we are truly pilgrims, these loses can led us to make truly conscious’s choices of faith and trust in God.  All of our loves point to the one love that is eternal, and in that eternal is found all of those who have gone before and indeed are still with us.

There is only one body of Christ, there is no separation, and they have only gone in higher and deeper as C.S. Lewis would say.  No, it is not easy, but we are pilgrims and most of us will experience grief in its many forms as we move towards our own exit from this world.  All we have is our love, that is what we take with us, all else is dross.  That is why it is important to again, make conscious acts of trust in God, for faith contrary to what many in our culture will say is not for the weak.  It is easy to sink, harder to swim up stream, know all the while that we are in the arms of a loving creator and this life as beautiful as it is only the first part of our pilgrimage.  

Many years ago when I was in my mid 20's I worked in construction for a short time. I had a low paying job just cleaning up after the construction crew for 8 hours a day and yes you could call the job boring. One member of my crew spent most of his time trying to get out of work, moving around hiding from the boss etc. Now from my perspective he was making his day a lot harder, would have been easier if he just worked, just did it and went home at the end of the day. Well he was fired in a few days so the problem was taken care of for him, he did not have to work anymore or worry about being caught; he just had to do it for free I guess.